And That's Terrible
by Lord Raa
Summary: Kaolla's unconventional parents arrive for a visit.
1. Chapter 1

And That's Terrible

By Lord Raa

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: Mr. Cup says I should just kill you now.

* * *

Kaolla Su looked at the important message that she'd been sent. The communiqué in question was an official notice outlining the dates of an official Royal visit from the King of Molmol.

"Yay, Daddy's coming to visit!" the blonde smiled happily. Grabbing the briefing documents, she left to inform the other residents about the impending visitation.

All the other residents of the Inn were gathered in the dining room with Keitaro arriving last.

"Su, is something up?" Keitaro asked as he took his place at the table. "Is there anything we can do for you?"

"Everything's ok, silly," the foreign girl smiled as she patronisingly rubbed her landlord on the top of his head. "It's just that my Daddy wants to visit me here in Japan."

"Your father is visiting? Oh that's a relief, we thought that something terrible had happened," Shinobu explained, feeling a little bit silly.

"So what's your father like?" Kitsune asked. "I mean, is he looking for a wife or something?"

"He's an interesting person," Kaolla replied. "You have to understand that he's led a rather sheltered life. He's not travelled as much as I have."

"What's like in Molmol?" Naru asked. "Is your father going to be surprised at high rise buildings and the Shinkansen?"

"Oh no," the princess shook her head. "We have mass transit and parts of Molmol are heavily developed. It's just that he may seem a little bit silly."

"Silly?" Motoko repeated. "In what way? In the same way that Urashima is?"

"Not quite, though he is funny like Keitaro." Kaolla's smile was a little bit…disturbing.

"Su, hun," Kitsune started as she got out of her seat and placed a hand on the visiting princess' shoulder, "I don't think we can handle with another Keitaro around here."

"Oh no," Kaolla insisted. "He doesn't grab or peep on people like Keitaro does, he's just really funny."

"Oh, well what do we need to do when he gets here?" Motoko asked, not wanting to offend the visiting dignitary.

"Just be yourselves. He should be coming in a week's time. I'll get all the details closer to the time."

* * *

The time of the Royal Visit arrived and after much hard work on the part of Keitaro, the Inn was looking suitably special for the visiting monarch.

The navy blue suited King and his entourage of three men in black suits arrived at the doorway, with one of his bodyguards knocking on the door.

Keitaro was the one to answer. "Hello, how my I help you?" he asked with a bow.

"I'm here to see what you lot are doing to my baby girl," the grey haired man answered curtly. "Wait, which one are you?"

"I-I'm Keitaro Urashima, Your Highness," the ronin answered, bowing deeply.

"Right, right, Urashima. Jeff, are you taking notes?" the king asked the man to his left.

"I am, Your Majesty. The man is called Urashima."

"Good. Lead on, then Urashima. I want to see what kind of dive you're keeping my precious daughter in."

Keitaro felt a little insulted at the King's words, but led the visitors in. "Welcome to the Hinata Sou All Girls Dormitory."

"'All Girls Dormitory?' Is that like a brothel or something?" the King asked.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-what? No!" the landlord spluttered. "It's nothing like that."

"Oh, shame. I was kinda looking forward to tasting some Jap poontang. Lead on then, I haven't got all day, you know."

"Actually, Sire, you're here for the week. Queen Loli Su will be joining us shortly. She and Queen Mary wanted to do some shopping first," Jeff explained.

"Oh. Well, still, I can't stand around all day, I'm not a young punk like you, Urashita."

"That's Urashima," Jeff corrected.

"What? Oh, maybe I'll get it right later. Still, I want to sit down so someone had better get me a chair!" the monarch ordered. "Oh, I'm King Mamba Su, by the way."

Keitaro was more than a little taken aback by the sudden change in attitude from the king. Still, he took the offered hand and shook it.

"Sorry about that, I should have introduced myself earlier. Now that that's out of the way, where's my chair, bitch?"

"This way, Your Highness," the ronin replied.

Mamba turned to Jeff and another of his guards. "I like this Urashima chap. I think we could have a good laugh here, and if Kaolla's right about there being hotties here, I think it's orgy-on. You guys may have to wait your turn, but that's why it's good to be the king."

"Yes, Sire," the Molmolian Secret Service agents sighed.

Still, it wasn't their place to turn down the Royal Family's invitation to an orgy, and if Queen Mary Su was taking part, well that suited Jeff and his team right to the core.

Keitaro led the King to his tenants where Kaolla took over and introduced everyone.

"Right this is Naru Narusegawa, she's studying to get into Toudai like Keitaro. And this is Motoko Aoyama," the tanned girl gestured to each girl as appropriate.

"Hi there, wait, you're the man-hating lesbians, right?" Mamba asked bluntly. "What's your stance on using dildos? I mean, since you decided to shun the cocks, surely you shouldn't be using them on principle."

"W-w-w-we're not man-hating lesbians!" Naru protested.

"You're not?"

"No!" Motoko insisted.

"Oh," the King shrugged, "never mind then. Hey, Kaolla, who's the chick with the great rack?"

"That's Kitsune. She's funny when she's drunk. And this is Shinobu, she's a really good cook."

"A babe who likes to drink? A Lolita that can cook? Man, Urashima sure has it made here," the monarch smiled. He turned to the hapless ronin. "You know, despite the fact that you've not gotten me my chair yet, I like you. You're building quite the harem here. You've got the loli who you're training up, the cute one with the lovely looking breasts and you've the two lesbians-"

"WE ARE NOT LESBIANS!!" Naru and Motoko chorused angrily.

"The two bisexual girls for when you want a three in the bed romp. Marvellous stuff, young man," Mamba declared with an honest laugh.

The Japanese residents of the Hinata Sou looked at each other in disbelief.

Kaolla laughed with her father. "Yeah, he's funny, isn't he, Daddy?"

"Is my youngest daughter trying to tell me that she's found the man she wants to marry?" the King smirked. "I don't mind. Hell, if it makes you happy you can marry that turtle next to the Lolita."

Everyone turned to stare in shock at Mamba Su, all of them trying to make sure that they heard him correctly.

"D-d-did you mean that, Sir?" Keitaro stammered. "Are you sure that you're not bothered who your daughter marries?"

"The correct way to address a reigning monarch is 'Your Highness' or 'Your Majesty,'" Mamba corrected. When the ronin bowed his head in apology, the King of Molmol continued. "In answer to your question, my daughter's happiness means more to me than the opinions of foreign prudes."

"Oh," the Japanese people replied in unison.

"That reminds me," Mamba added with a grin, "You lot seem rather prudish considering the reputation you seem to have acquired over this intermaweb thingy."

"What do you mean?" Motoko demanded, her sense of National Pride™ seriously offended.

"Well, don't you have anthologies of dirty comics that are basically little boys and girls shagging older men and women? Plus there are those stories of incest," the king replied. "You know the ones, don't you Jeff?"

"I believe that you are referring to the ones where an older female 'relieves' stress of an adolescent male so he can focus on his studies," Jeff explained. "I can't say that I approve of such things, but it's not my place to pass judgement on unfamiliar cultures. After all, I'm sure that you all would disapprove of certain elements of the Royal Marriage Ritual. The Rite of Incursion, for example would probably horrify all but the most sexually experienced here."

"Yes. Plus there's the fact that you can buy girls' used underwear from vending machines and your pornography includes molesting women while they're sleeping and/or ejaculating on their faces. But I can deal with that. Different strokes for different folks and all that jazz. There is something that I've been meaning to mention to someone for some time and you are going to hear it."

Mamba Su started to pace as he continued his diatribe.

"The biggest problem with your popular culture is that it has spawned some truly shocking pieces of 'literature' – I'm talking about writing male characters that are clearly heterosexual, yet these 'fan-fiction authors' insist that they're sausage jockeys! Please, if some bloke tells me that they want to see me dead, it doesn't mean that he wants to suck me off while I finger his ring-piece. Men do not behave like that. Also, I want to know who thinks that it's a great idea to transplant various characters that are from an interesting setting and place them in a High School as if they're regular guys!"

"Sire, I think that you should calm down, your rage levels are getting rather high," Jeff advised. "Your doctor is with your wives."

"You're quite right, Jeff," the King agreed. "My apologies for ranting like that. It's just that this is the first chance I've had to get this off my chest."

"T-that's ok," Keitaro said, hoping that the large man would calm down and not destroy parts of the Inn. "Perhaps you'd like a cup of tea?"

Mamba clapped a hand on his host's shoulder. "You're a decent human being, Keitaro."

"T-thank you, Your Highness."

"But surely what happens in fanfiction isn't the responsibility of the original author," Kitsune countered, intent on defending her fellow writers. "What can be considered 'canon behaviour' might not be considered very interesting once you've completed a story. Most of fanfiction comes from the age old question of 'what if?' and that's why people change certain things."

"There's a difference between 'what if character X had a disability or different powers?' or 'what if character Y was from a different background?' and 'what if character X and character Y went ass-to-mouth every chance they had?' or 'what if the whole cast were in a situation that I'm familiar with? But I'll make things so unbelievably dull and/or unlikely with openly gay characters in High School'," the monarch replied with a small smirk.

"Touché," the ash blonde conceded. "But I still say that the original authors have no say in what the fans write about."

"Meh, it's not like any of you lot here are into watching gay porn. You're not are you?" Mamba asked, his eyes flitting around in preparation to give the kill signal to his guards.

"Unlike Urashima, we're not perverts!" Naru insisted.

"Urashima," the King barked.

"Yes, Your Highness," the ronin said as he snapped to attention.

"Is it true? Are you a pervert? Do you lust after the residents here? Do you have a stash of pornographic material?"

"…"

"You will answer me. Either here and now or later when I have Jeff and his team extract the answers I want from you," Mamba said, his arms folded across his chest.

Keitaro gulped when he noticed the looks he was getting from the black suited man. "I'd rather not answer that right now."

"I suppose I can understand that," the monarch nodded in understanding. "Let's discuss things in your office."

* * *

In manager's office, Keitaro removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes as he tried to figure out what the correct thing to say was.

"Well?"

"Well, the thing is, Your Majesty, I don't know what the right thing to say is," Keitaro sighed. "If I say 'yes I lust after my tenants', everyone will want to get rid of me. If I say 'no', then you'd probably say something like 'what? Is my daughter not good enough for you?'"

"You are quite correct about my response, young man. Do you lust after the girls? I mean, that one with the glasses seems like a bitch, so if you don't like her, I'd understand. But the one with the big tits? Man, you'd need a will of steel not to jerk off to that every night. That or you're getting from someone else…"

"Well, Mutsumi's are bigger," the ronin added with an absent, happy look on his face.

"Bigger? Well, that explains why you're not knocking boots with any of the residents. Though, perhaps you should offer the one with the short hair free rent if she sleeps with you. Or at least sucks you off," Mamba smiled. "I would in your position. Hell, I'd have worked my way through them by now. Of course, my name does mean 'Trouser Snake' in Molmolian…"

"…" Keitaro sweatdropped.

"Oh don't look at me like that, Urashima. It's not like I'm going to kill you for having erotic thoughts about young girls, I have them all the time. Hell, my second wife was Kaolla's age when I married her. That was… eight years ago," the lecherous monarch smiled fondly in remembrance.

"…" Keitaro's sweatdrop grew.

"For fuck's sake, what's wrong with you?"

"I just never expected someone to talk about sex like that, especially when it concerns his daughter," the ronin explained. "Are you really ok with me doing that with your daughter?"

"Man, woman, boy, girl, animal, it's all good, Urashima. And to be honest, the fact that Japan has a reputation for eccentric sexual behaviour is one of the reasons I agreed to Kaolla staying here – I wanted her to broaden her horizons," Mamba explained. "By the way, if you give her The Clap or anything, I'll cut your balls off. Is. That. Clear?"

" Crystal," Keitaro squeaked.

"Good. Now, shall we go out there and have our tea and cakes?"

* * *

Back in the common room, Kitsune was trying to calm down her friends as they spluttered inappropriate comments about visiting royalty.

"You heard what he said about us, Kitsune! Who knows what perverted ideas he's putting in Keitaro's head!" Naru ranted.

"Well, yes, he wasn't exactly regal and diplomatic, but remember what Su said about him being a bit sheltered? I don't think that we should hold it against him," the ash-blonde said, waving her hands in a placating fashion.

"But still, Kitsune-sempai, I don't think that he should be allowed to encourage Urashima like that," Motoko opined. "Do I really act like a man-hating lesbian?"

"Well, it's not like you've been trying to seduce any of the local men," Kitsune drawled.

"I am not courting 'local men' because they're not worth the effort!" the kendoist retorted angrily.

"But how does Urashima compare?" Mamba asked as he entered the room with his host by his side. "I want to know what you think of him."

"Why?" Naru asked defensively.

"Because I do," the King replied. "You are a feisty one, aren't you? I can see why you'd be popular. I'd bet that many thought that they could tame your wild streak. Too bad you hate cock."

"I don't hate cock!"

"Are you sure you don't hate cock?

"I don't hate cock," the Toudai bound girl growled in frustration.

"So you love the cock?"

"Yes!" Naru snapped. Then what she had said hit her and she wore a blush worse than the one Shinobu had when they caught peeping on Keitaro in the baths.

"Finally, she admits her desires for the male species," Kitsune teased. "I've heard of love-hate relationships, but this was getting ridiculous. But at least she's lightening up now, Keitaro."

"She seems rather…confused, Urashima, I don't think you should bother with that one just yet," Mamba confided. "The Loli looks like a much better option; though I get the feeling you're a breast man."

"…"

"You are, aren't you?" the monarch smiled. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to snuggle up to a nice pair of breasts, I remember enjoying that when I was a horny teenager. Hell, I still like do that on long journeys with my wife!"

"…" The Japanese people were unsure what to make of the honest laughter that came from Kaolla's father.

"Oh lighten up, you lot! It's not like I'm dangerously insane and I'm planning on butchering you all for dog food," Mamba sighed.

"But how can you be a head of state with the way you behave?" Kitsune asked.

"I can because Molmol has significant strategic value, because several world leaders owe me favours, and mostly because it's funny as fuck. Now, can we get on with the tea and cakes?"

"Yeah," Kaolla insisted. "Daddy gets cranky if he doesn't get his promised cakes."

"…"

Luckily, the Japanese Hinata Sou residents were granted a reprieve in the form of the ringing doorbell.

"I'll get it!" they called out in unison.

As the mob wrestled the door open, they were taken aback by the figure standing before them.

"…" the tall, elegant woman sweatdropped as she tried to make sense of the scene before her. "Hello there, I'm looking for my husband. He's the King of Molmol."

"He's inside. If you'll allow me to show you the way," Keitaro said, trying to keep his voice under control. "May I ask your name?"

"I am Queen Mary Su," the tanned beauty replied. She scanned the group of people and noted that they, like most people on the Royal Visit to Japan, had been taken in by her divine looks. "And you are?"

"I'm Keitaro Urashima," the bespectacled youth replied, his voice breaking as he realised that this goddess wanted to know more about him.

"Ah, I've heard about you, Mr. Urashima. Now while I have a number of talents, walking through solid objects is not one of them," Mary Su smiled.

When the Hinata Gang failed to do anything other than look at the queen with a mixture of blank and lustful looks, she sighed. "Please can you move?"

"Oh, sorry," Kitsune chuckled nervously. 'I know that I like guys, but I'd definitely go dyke for her!'

'Wow! She's so beautiful,' Shinobu thought as she became star-struck. 'If I could look even a tenth as beautiful as that, I could have Sempai all to myself…'

Motoko had decided that the Queen of Molmol was clearly a Warrior-Queen, a noble person that could easily fend for herself in even the male-dominated country of Japan. 'Why must she be tied to…that creature inside? Surely she could rule Molmol by herself!'

Naru reasoned that this was a sign from the gods that she needed to give up on trying to make something out of the nothing that was her relationship with Keitaro and embrace the fairer sex. 'I'm not a man-hater, I'm just a woman-lover…' she thought happily. Then her face fell as she realised that it made her just like Keitaro. "Damn it all, I'm just so confused…"

As the regal woman walked through the Hinata Sou, she felt several sets of eyes roam over her body. 'Still got it,' she mused with a smile on her face.

"Ah, Kaolla, it's been too long," Mary said happily as she saw her daughter talking and snacking with Mamba.

"What, no love for your husband?" Mamba protested good naturedly as Kaolla rushed to embrace her mother.

"Of course I have love for you, Mamba," the queen said, "it's just that I haven't seen my youngest daughter for such a long time."

"I missed you too, Mom," the princess smiled. "How's Queen Loli?"

"She's talking with the lady who runs the teashop on the way up here. I think that she wanted to know about the sort of man that you're living with," Mary answered. "I must say that he doesn't seem as entertaining as you made him out to be, Kaolla."

"Oh but he is, my dear Mary. You just have to know what buttons to press in front of the right audience. For example," the King said as the other residents returned to the room. "Keitaro, what's this I hear about you wanting to see my wife naked?"

"I…err, I can explain!" the ronin insisted as Naru and Motoko turned to face him.

"Keitaro! We've told you about your behaviour!" Naru growled.

"Urashima, what sort of scum are you? You dare debase a member of royalty with your disgusting vices?!" Motoko demanded as she reached for her sword. "You have brought shame on us all!"

Mary giggled, but knew that that particular joke had gone on for long enough.

"It's perfectly alright, you two," she said as she placed a calming hand on each of the enraged girls' shoulders.

Naru whimpered as she felt that confusing mixture of emotions stir up inside her again.

The kendoist was similarly confused. On the one hand, she felt honoured that her new idol, the Warrior-queen, was touching her, but on the other, she felt that Keitaro still needed to be punished. 'Perhaps I could talk her into letting my beat him for her amusement later…'

"I think that Mr. Urashima here is the victim of circumstances," the queen said reassuringly. "Now, why don't we all sit down and have some tea?"

"Yes," Mamba said, "it is delicious cake, you must eat it."

"Oh Daddy, you and your love of cakes," Kaolla giggled as she reached over and sampled some of the baked treat.

* * *

At the Hinata Teashop, Haruka was talking with the visiting dignitary.

"So, what's it like being a co-wife?"

"It's good," Queen Loli Su smiled. "I get to go shopping whenever I like and the sex is great!"

"Aren't you a bit young for sex?" the smoker asked.

"I'm twenty-two. I know I look fourteen, but it's because I'm a priestess of Lolionyalapp."

"Lolionyalapp?"

"Yeah," the queen nodded. "She's the goddess of love, marriage and fertility. All of her followers are blessed with youthful looks. If you converted to our religion, you could keep your appearance even when you're in your forties or fifties."

"So this goddess of yours is effectively a fountain of youth?" Haruka asked, expertly keeping a calm expression on her face.

"Yes. But there are a few conditions," Loli said solemnly.

"And they are?"

"1) Regular sex – the nastier the better. 2) You need to spend some time in the Temple of Lolionyalapp. I'm talking about three whole weeks during the height of summer. 3) You must be kind to cats – Lolionyalapp's husband, Gatolargo, is the god of cats."

"I've heard of less palatable demands," Haruka mused. "Is there anything else that you have to observe? You know, like a proscription on tobacco or alcohol?"

"No, not really," Loli answered. "But there you do have to make daily offerings to the gods and goddess."

"What sort of thing is an offering?" the older woman asked. "I mean are they expecting gold and silver everyday?"

"No," the queen replied, shaking her head. "It doesn't have to be much, something like feeding a stray cat or pouring something onto the earth, but they know when you miss one. And one day's missed offering requires three to make up for it."

"Interesting," said Haruka. "Perhaps I'll look into it. But don't you want to see Kaolla?"

"Yes, I'm interested in seeing what sort of man she's living with. I hear he's a lot of fun," Loli giggled.

"You could say that."

* * *

"So then, Kaolla, are you going to introduce me to your friends?" Mary Su asked before sipping her cup of tea.

"Yep. This is Shinobu, she's the one who made the cake," the princess beamed before pointing to each of her friends in turn. "This is Naru, she's studying to get into Toudai with Keitaro. That's Motoko, she's good with a sword and that's Kitsune, she drinks a lot."

"Hello," the queen bowed. "Kitsune, you say?"

"Well, my real name is Mitsune Konno, but all my friends call me Kitsune," the ash-blonde girl smiled.

"Ah. Well, it's probably a huge coincidence, but your name actually has a meaning in an ancient Molmol dialect," Mary smiled. "I've recently taken an interest in Molmol's past and its ancient language."

"Oh? What does it mean, Mum?" Kaolla asked as she sat on the floor with her legs crossed. "They didn't tell us much about the Mo'Loli when I was in school back home."

"Well, the thing is, it's really a new area of research. While we know all about Lolionyalapp and Gatolargo and the others, we don't know much about their early worshippers," the queen explained. "A lot of what we know, we've had to extrapolate from ruins and fragments of broken stone tablets, but I was on the expedition that found the Stone of Tongues."

"Stone of Tongues?" Naru repeated.

"It's like the Rosetta Stone, you know, the tablet that enabled people to translate some of the hieroglyphics of Ancient Egypt into languages that they knew, like Greek," Mary explained. "Well, this stone tablet had a declaration written in Mo'Loli, No'Loli and Dowant.

"And as Kaolla should be well aware, Dowant is the archaic form of modern Molmolise. Since our expedition also had a rudimentary understanding of No'Loli, we were able to confirm our translation."

Mamba smiled as he noticed that everyone was paying close attention to his wife's story.

"Anyway, the irony is that your name, Mitsune, would literally be translated into 'Nice Breasts, Don't You Think?' And I think that it's rather appropriate because it's true," the queen explained with a blush on her cheeks.

Mamba laughed loudly, his baritone voice filling the room. "I knew that there was a reason why I liked the Japanese. Mary, does the name 'Kitsune' have a meaning in Mo'Loli?"

"It does," the older blonde nodded. "First off, I'd like to point out that these are only rough translations based on the phonetic sounds of the syllables in your name, not the actual characters used to write them. With that in mind, the name 'Kitsune' could be translated to mean 'My Breasts: No Touching with out proper payment'."

A knock at the door saved Kitsune from further embarrassment. "I'll get it."

While the ash blonde went to see who it was at the door, Mamba moved next to his wife and put his arms around her waist.

"Even now, I still have difficulty believing that a goddess like you wants to stay with me," the king sighed happily.

"You're just the sort of man that I need," Mary smiled happily. "You let me live my own life. Plus the sex is fantastic."

"Well, I do what I can," Mamba chuckled.

"That I do know," a new voice called out.

"Loli!" Kaolla declared as she ran over to hug her stepmother. "I've missed you!"

"I've missed you too, Kaolla," Loli Su smiled.

The second wife of Mamba Su could have passed for Kaolla's sister, with only a more ornate hairstyle, a slightly larger bust and differing tastes in fashion separating them.

"Wait, you're married? To HIM?!" Motoko demanded, pointing angrily towards the bearded man.

"Yeah, we've been married for eight years," the younger of the two queens smiled.

"B-b-b-but you're a child! What kind of monster does that sort of thing to an infant!" the kendoist spluttered with rage.

"What're you talking about? I'm twenty two…" Loli replied. "Oh, you mean getting married at thirteen? Well, yeah, it's less common now, but it still happens among households that worship Lolionyalapp."

"But why would you want to do that sort of thing at that age?" Kitsune asked, not sure what to make of the visiting royals.

"Because I'll have these youthful looks when I'm in my fifties," Loli smiled.

"…."

"It's true," Mary Su added. "I know it's hard to believe but I'm forty-one."

"But you look like you're my age!" Haruka exclaimed.

"And you can have boobs this firm too, if you start worshiping Lolionyalapp," Mamba smiled as he gently squeezed his first wife's breasts, much to enjoyment of all present.

Naru whimpered as she felt those troublesome thoughts rise up inside her again. 'I shouldn't be thinking things like that, it's Su's mother for Heaven's sake!'

Motoko felt angry that her warrior-goddess was being molested by that oaf in a crown.

"I will avenge you!" she swore under her breath.

Keitaro felt something moving in his nose as the impressive cleavage was moved. Luckily he looked away to check for bleeding and missed the soft moan that Mary let out.

"They can't be real!" Kitsune snorted.

"Why don't you check for yourself?" Mary whispered in a husky voice.

The ash blonde gulped nervously, but gently touched the breasts all the same. "W-wow…"

"Yes," Mamba smiled as he turned his queen away and out of reach from Kitsune. "If any of you want to examine them more closely, then you'll just have to start doing things to curry favour with the Royal Family of Molmol."

"…"

"L-like what?" Keitaro asked nervously.

While he didn't want to upset the father of one of his tenants, especially one that could cause an international incident, he certainly wasn't averse to seeing Mary Su's breasts up close and personal.

"We shall see, my dear Keitaro," Mary winked.

* * *

To be continued…..?

This was previewed on Hawk's Forum and pre-read by Chi Vayne, though I opted to post it sooner rather than later because there seemed to be nothing interesting in the LH sections.

That's why it looks like it could do with some polishing.

I may, repeat MAY, get around to correcting errors at a laterer date.

Until that time, you're stuck with this crap :P.


	2. Chapter 2

And That's Terrible

By Lord Raa

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.

* * *

It seems that this one was popular for some reason, so here's round two.

* * *

The Japanese residents of the Hinata Sou were somewhat nervous about the evening meal.

Not because it was of dubious quality, as Shinobu was an excellent chef, but rather because of their honoured guests.

The younger of the two queens was talking with Kaolla, while Motoko, Kitsune and Naru were all vying for the attentions of Mary.

"So, Mary-dono, how did your marriage to the King come about?" the kendoist asked.

"It was part of a political settlement," the eldest blonde there explained. "It was the only way to end a long running dispute."

"I see. So, you were forced into it?" Motoko followed up.

'An arranged marriage? They're not normally happy marriages, especially amongst Royals…' Naru mused. 'So maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we…'

"No, not really," Mary replied happily, though she noticed the red tinge to the auburn haired girl's cheeks. "You see, I'd seen Mamba when I was a girl and I had a crush on him. He looked so handsome in his uniform."

"And now?" the King asked with a look of panic.

"What's up, Mamba dear? Are you worried that I'm going to trade you in for a new model?"

"Yes."

Everyone at the table froze as they felt the anxiety roll off Mamba Su.

The heavyset man glanced around the room before bursting into a fit of laughter that reverberated around the room.

"Had you going there, didn't I?" he smiled broadly. "I'm not worried if the mother of my children has thoughts about whether she made the right decision or not. It's only natural to look back at things. I mean, I still question whether or not it was a good idea to allow Kaolla to stay here without a bodyguard."

"But I'm fine, Daddy!" the princess pouted.

"I know you are, Kaolla, but a father worries about his little girl."

"But I'm going to be a big girl soon, look!" Kaolla declared as she lifted her shirt up.

Mamba turned to Keitaro. "And you are the man that my daughter likes. How does that make you feel, Keitaro?"

"… I… it's a great honour, Sir. I mean it! Kaolla's a great person who's kind and, err, energetic and she's always been willing to help me out. It's not always worked out the way she intended, but you know," the ronin replied, sweat pouring from his forehead.

"So you're ignoring the fact that she exposed herself?"

"…. I'm trying not to focus on your daughter's chest, Sir."

"Why? Does my precious daughter disgust you?" Mamba demanded.

"No, not at all, but isn't this a little weird?" Keitaro replied. "I mean, you're asking me to leer at your daughter!"

"But Kaolla said that she liked it when you played with her," Mary said in a confused tone. "Unless… I get it. You're not into exhibitionism and sex in public places!"

Every Japanese person there blushed heavily.

"Not that there's anything wrong with vanilla sex," the older queen added reassuringly. "It's just that when you have the same thing so often, a little…variation is nice. Things like multiple partners, toys, role play, food-based fun and public nudity."

"M-multiple partners?" Motoko and Naru stammered in unison.

"Yes, why else would I ask Mamba to marry an additional wife?"

"Yes," Loli nodded. "I was surprised to hear that it was Mary that asked me to be a part of the Royal Marriage rather than His Majesty, but that's not to say that I haven't enjoyed every day of my life since. Especially those days when we're rutting like animals."

Mamba let out another laugh. "I'm the luckiest man alive. I really am. But, I think that we should continue our meal. There will be plenty of time for us to discuss sex, politics and other topics later when we take a bath together."

"What?" Motoko demanded angrily. "What do you mean taking a bath together?"

"I was told that there was a bath that was big enough for all of us. Is there a problem with it, Keitaro?"

"What? No, it's just that it's not a mixed bath," Keitaro explained. When he noticed the disapproving look that he monarchs were giving him, he quickly relented. "But since this is a royal visit, I'll make an exception and everyone who can fit in there can share the bath."

"Thank you, Keitaro," Mary Su smiled. "It's much appreciated."

The ronin blushed at the attention he received from the voluptuous queen, but Naru and Motoko were not impressed.

"He's trying to get in her good books," Motoko whispered to her friend.

"I know exactly what he's trying to get into," Naru replied, her right eye twitching.

"So, it's decided, we'll head off to baths after the meal. Which is excellent, by they way. Was it you, that cooked it, Shinji?" the king asked with a genuine look on his face.

"It's Shinobu, Mamba," Loli Su corrected. "Shinji is a boy's name."

"How awkward," Mamba shrugged. "Still, a wrong name isn't too bad in the grand scheme of things. I'm still getting used to Japanese names, after all."

* * *

As Shinobu cleared away the dishes, she felt rather disheartened by the fact that their guest had called her a boy's name.

"Did Sempai ever think I was a boy?" she asked herself. "Maybe he thought I was a crossdresser?"

"Shinobu-chan, is something wrong?" Keitaro asked as he finished bringing the crockery.

"Sempai! I… you always knew I was a girl, right?" the chef asked, pleading for an answer that wouldn't crush her already fragile ego.

"What? What do you mean? Are you talking about Kaolla's dad? He's just not familiar with Japanese names. He didn't mean to upset you, Shinobu-chan," the ronin replied reassuringly.

"But you always knew that I was a girl, right?"

"What? Of course I did, Shinobu-chan!"

"Oh, Sempai," Shinobu sighed as she hugged her landlord.

"There, there, Shinobu-chan," Keitaro said reassuringly. "It'll be fine."

The ronin blinked as he felt a second pair of arms around him. Lifting his head, he noticed that Kaolla had joined in the hug.

"Heya, Keitaro!"

Moments later, a voluptuous woman changed the very nature of the group hug simply by massaging his buttocks.

"Q-queen Mary, what are you doing?!"

"What? I need to check that you're good enough for my daughter," the platinum haired beauty winked. "Why, am I doing it wrong? It is kind of difficult to grope someone like this, you know."

"Mary," the King of Molmol called out. "Have you finished that Hug of War, or do you need more time to grope Keitaro?"

"Hang on," the queen said as she positioned herself to rub her full breasts against Shinobu's back as she gave Keitaro's ass one last squeeze. "Ok, I'm done."

* * *

Keitaro was looking rather uncomfortable as he walked out to the outdoor baths dressed in his swimming shorts with a towel around his waist. While he would normally have liked to bathe with one or more of the people there, he was waiting for the other shoe to drop and for violence to be inflicted upon his person.

Violence that Motoko and Naru always seemed eager to dispense.

"Relax, Keitaro, you won't be able to perform properly if you're too tense," Loli Su smiled.

"P-p-perform?" the ronin stammered, glad that the others were covered up with towels.

"Yes, you are planning to entertain us this evening, are you not?" the young queen asked. "Kaolla said that you'd entertain us."

"But I don't have any talents – I can't play any instruments, dance, sing or tell jokes. Just what did you have in mind?" Keitaro asked, a sense of dread filling him.

"Oh, I'm sure that something entertaining will come up," Mary winked as she walked past them to the water.

The ronin couldn't stop his eyes from being drawn to the swaying hips of Kaolla's mother. The situation wasn't helped by the fact that her towel was being removed to reveal her flawless skin.

'Her skin looks so smooth… Wait, shouldn't she be wearing a bathing suit?' Keitaro thought as the senior queen finally dropped the towel and stepped into the water.

"Ooh, this is nice," Mary said as she turned to entrance. "I can see why Kaolla likes it here. Come on in, you lot, the water's fine."

"Ok," Loli smiled as her towel fell unceremoniously to the floor. She wiggled her hips cheekily at Keitaro. "Come on, Keitaro, you don't want to miss out on the fun, do you?"

"But…"

"Don't worry, Keitaro, Kaolla will be joining us in five, four, three, two…."

"Keitaro!" a hyperactive, blonde bundle of banana fuelled energy called out a split-second before wrapping her slender legs around Keitaro's neck.

The ronin froze as he awaited "divine justice" to be meted out. After a few moments, he realised something.

"What's that tickling my neck?" he asked no-one in particular.

"That's my landing strip, silly," Kaolla answered as she rubbed Keitaro's head.

"Landing strip?"

"Yeah, it's how I've waxed."

When it became clear that Keitaro had no idea what she meant, the princess clambered over his head.

"See, my hair's in a thin strip. WAAAA!" she yelped when the ronin fainted with a bleeding nose.

Luckily for Kaolla, Keitaro managed to cushion her fall.

"U-RA-SHI-MA!"

Unfortunately for Keitaro, Motoko emerged and saw how the blonde girl was sitting, completely naked, on the ronin's face.

"Oh, hello, Motoko," Mary Su said, standing up in the bath, water dripping off her perfect breasts.

The kendoist whimpered as she wondered what it would be like snuggle up to the queen's cleavage and get a nice restful sleep.

"Hey, are you thinking my wife's breasts?" a deep male voice demanded from the doorway.

"No," Motoko replied unconvincingly. She turned around to see an impressive physique on the King of Molmol.

"So you weren't wondering what it would be like to use her bosom for a pillow and letting all your cares drift away?" Mamba Su asked, his arms folded across his muscular chest.

"Well, maybe a little…"

"It's ok, those puppies are hard to resist. Trust me, I know," the king smiled kindly. He moved past the still unsettled girl. "If you like her, then you need to try to get her to like you. And if she likes you, then you're in for a treat."

Motoko blinked as she processed those whispered words.

"Move it, Motoko-chan, I want to have a soak too," Kitsune said as she gently nudged her friend.

"Heya Kitsune!" Kaolla waved as she finally climbed off Keitaro's face, her feet placed either side of his head.

"Kaolla, err… how should I put this? Do you really want to stand over a man's face like that?" the ash-blonde asked with a slight wince.

"It's ok if it's Keitaro," the princess said in an exasperated tone. "I mean, it's ok for the man you like to see you naked, isn't it?"

Keitaro's brain finally rebooted and sent the signals to open his eyes.

"Where are my glasses?" he asked as he reached for his forehead. After reseating his glasses he looked up to see what was casting the odd shadows over him. "Oh my…"

The Hinata Sou residents looked down to see the nasal haemorrhaging from their landlord.

"Pervert!" Motoko growled angrily.

"Keitaro, her parents are over there," Kitsune pointed out helpfully. "You might want to keep that sort of thing to a minimum."

"I know," the ronin said, his voice muffled as he held his nose in an attempt to stem the blood flow.

"Mary," Mamba said, leaning to his first wife, "is that sort of blood loss normal?"

"Sometimes, if it's a young man seeing something naughty like a naked girl," the busty platinum blonde answered before letting out a squeak.

"Hey Loli, you really shouldn't put you fingers THERE!" she squeaked again. "At least, not without warning me that you're planning on fooling around."

"Sorry," the slender queen smiled coyly. "I couldn't help myself."

"Meh," the grey-haired man shrugged. "It'll take more than that to entertain me."

"Like what, Daddy?" Kaolla asked, finally moving away from Keitaro's face. "Like that group sex thing I keep hearing about on the internet?"

Mamba stroked his beard. "Maybe, but I'm not convinced yet. Sure, you're ready for a boyfriend, and Keitaro seems like a decent enough man, but personally, I think you should focus on the basics first."

"Yes, Kaolla dear," Mary nodded. "It's not that we're trying to deprive you of depravities, but you have to be able to walk before you can run."

The princess pouted for a minute before grudgingly admitting that her parents were correct. "I suppose that I should practice the basics first, I mean, I haven't even done it with another girl yet."

"Wait a minute!" Motoko demanded. "Does that mean you've done it with a man?"

Keitaro could feel the kendoist scanning the immediate area for a weapon.

"I haven't done anything like that with Kaolla!" he protested.

"He's right," Kaolla nodded sadly. "I keep meaning to molest him in his sleep, but Motoko doesn't like it when I sleep with Keitaro."

"Why ever not?" Mamba asked. "Keitaro doesn't seem to be the most experienced of lovers, but he looks physically capable of performing. Sure, the first few times would be rubbish, but after the first week, it'd be acceptable."

"I don't think that Motoko is concerned about quality control issues," Kitsune drawled. "It's more of a moral outrage. What with Keitaro being older and our landlord. Abuse of power and all that."

"But what good is power if it can't be abused from time to time? I mean, my wives constantly use Royal Privilege to get to the front of queues when they're shopping. And not every man on Molmol gets to marry two women," the King explained. "But enough about that, let us all enjoy the hot water."

The Japanese residents of the Inn walked around Keitaro's supine form and stepped into the hot water, while Kaolla helped the ronin up to his feet.

"Keitaro, you're too silly," the blonde chided as Haruka walked up to the doorway. "When are you going to start behaving like the Lord of the Manor and use us for your entertainment?"

"…" the Urashimas looked at the princess with unblinking eyes.

"It's a legitimate question," Mary added from the water's edge. "I mean, if it's going to be your property, you should be enforcing your rules."

"But Keitaro's not like that," Haruka explained.

"He's not?" Mamba asked, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice. "Suddenly, I'm not sure that he's suitable for my daughter. If he's not suitable, then I need to have him killed for defiling my daughter."

"What?" the dorm residents asked in shock.

"If he's not man enough to take charge of a simple dormitory, then how is he supposed to help my precious Kaolla run our country?"

"But Keitaro-sempai has many other skills…" Shinobu protested. "He can take charge of me any time he wants…"

Mamba looked at the others. "You do realise that if I have to have Keitaro killed, then the rest of you will share his fate for your part in this horrible deception."

"How do you work that out?" Kitsune demanded.

"Not one of you tried to correct me when I publicly assumed that Keitaro would be a suitable husband for Kaolla," the king explained.

"Wait, so you're going to kill Keitaro and the rest of us unless we can prove to you that Keitaro is suitable for Kaolla?" Haruka asked.

"Yes," Mamba nodded. "That said; I will let the chef go free, as it's a sin to kill lolis."

"Oh, well that's ok then," the smoker replied sarcastically. "But on the off chance that we've got better things to do tonight than die, what're you going to accept as proof of Keitaro's suitability as a Prince Consort or whatever he'd be if he married Kaolla?"

The monarch scratched his beard. "Well, the thing is, I've never been very good at this justice lark, so I'm going to leave it in Mary's capable hands.

"Me?" the maternal, yet incredibly sexy queen asked.

"Yes, you," Mamba smiled. "You did say that you wanted to have more impact in Kaolla's life, so what better than deciding how to prove that her boyfriend is suitable?"

"You've got me there," Mary admitted, her shrug lifting her cleavage enough to catch Motoko and Naru's attention. "Hmm…. This is going to take some serious thought."

An uncomfortable silence descended on the bath. At least, it was uncomfortable for the Japanese people there. The Molmolians were having a wonderful time.

"So then, Smoking Woman," Mamba said to Haruka, "what's your take on Keitaro getting married to my daughter?"

"I'm positively outraged that you'd suggest such a thing," Haruka replied reflexively.

"Oh?" the monarch asked, giving his grey beard a stroke. "Why is that?"

"I… err… it's just not right."

"You do realise you could be condemning yourself and your friends to death?"

Haruka cast a glance at the various people relaxing in the hot water. "Well, the thing is… Keitaro has his dream of going to Toudai. And if he's married to Kaolla, then he can't attend, can he?"

"Interesting theory," Mamba acknowledged. "Kaolla, would you let Keitaro attend his course at Toudai before returning to Molmol?"

"Of course, Daddy!" the princess smiled. "I wouldn't be a good wife if I didn't let Keitaro follow his dream, would I?"

"That's true," Mary said, a tear of happiness welling in her eye. "To think that you've matured so much during your time here; you make me so proud!"

Before Kaolla could blink, she was swept up in a loving embrace by her mother. It was something that generated a few pangs of envy in both Motoko and Naru.

Mamba smirked as he noticed the auburn haired girl shift in her spot. 'She'd probably do anything for a night with Mary.'

"You look jealous," Mary said to Motoko.

"I…" the kendoist blushed heavily.

"You can have a hug too," the queen smiled as she pulled Motoko off from her perch. Mary wrapped her arms around the raven haired girl. "See, I knew you needed a hug. Anyone else want a hug? No? How about a grope? Don't lie to me, don't think I didn't feel your wanton gazes all over my body."

That offer was too much for Naru to resist and she leapt into Mary's arms.

"Please, I need a hug," she said in a rather unnerving voice that none of the residents had heard before. "Please nurse me, Mommy..."

"Oh, you are a cheeky thing aren't you," Mary smiled as Naru started to suckle on her right breast. "But if you want that sort of thing, then you'll just have to wait for later."

Naru wore a blush as she was gently pushed away, the redness in her cheeks putting the time Shinobu saw Keitaro emerging from the shower to shame. She could feel the disapproving gazes from her friends and was unable to look at any of them.

"I can't believe you'd just leap at Kaolla's mother like that," Haruka sighed.

"Agreed," Motoko nodded, though she was a little jealous. "It's something more akin to Urashima's behaviour."

Keitaro had good reason to feel maligned, but said nothing as he took a place in the hot water. 'Why does everyone treat me like crap?'

Seeing the look on his potential son-in-law's face, Mamba gestured to the ronin. "Now Keitaro, you have to understand that I like you a lot and it's not just because Kaolla wants you to be her husband. However, I can't say that I approve of you – someone who is potential royalty – being treated like this. Luckily for you, I've got a solution to our potential problem."

"W-what's that, Sir?" the ronin asked, gulping nervously.

"A trade," the monarch smiled. "I want your Aunt Haruka to join me and Loli Su tonight for much debauchery. If you consent to that, then Mary will assist you in disciplinary matters here at the Inn. If she was convinced that things were appropriate, everything would be fine and no-one would have to be fed to the lions."

"But it's not up to me," the bespectacled Urashima whined. He turned to see the stern expression on the King's face. "I'll have to ask Haruka-san."

"Be sure to mention the lions."

* * *

"Err, Haruka-san," Keitaro started hesitantly, "there's something I'd like to ask you."

The smoker cast a glance at her nephew. "Go on."

"The thing is, the King over there wants to borrow you for the night."

"'Borrow me for the night?' And I would agree to this why?" Haruka asked, preparing to unleash righteous violence.

"Err… it's about the thing with Kaolla's parents and how to stop them from having to kill us all," Keitaro blurted out, covering his head with his arms. "Please don't hurt me, I'm only the messenger."

"There's more to this, so start talking before I get upset."

"He said that if you agreed to spend the night with him and Loli Su, Mary would help me with keeping order here and if she's happy people won't have to be fed to the lions," the ronin blurted out.

"I see," Haruka drawled. As she directed a look towards the man in question, he stood up and stretched. "Oh my… And Queen Loli fits that inside her?"

"I've worn her like a glove puppet before," Mary said, sneaking up on the Urashimas. "Mamba nearly wet himself with laughter at the comedy routine we put on."

"Ah!" Keitaro squealed. "You surprised me!"

"I have plenty more surprises in store for you, Keitaro…" the queen purred in the young man's left ear. "I know you like the way my breasts feel on your back. When the time is right, you'll get to spend some quality time with them…"

* * *

To be continued…?


End file.
